Dear Hollywood,
This is a slightly different letter than what you’re used to – but felt it was a necessary one.
We’ve all seen the trailer for the new movie Bad Neighbours, right? I know you guys have. You know, the one where the hot young frat guy moves in next door to the married couple with a new baby, and trouble and hilarity ensue. Box office gold. Many of us have probably seen the entire movie.
The hot young frat guy is played by a mostly shirtless Zac Efron, who, just quietly, is doing a stellar job at ditching his Disney image. It appears that of 97 minutes in the film, Efron spends 95 of them half-naked, showcasing just how much free time he has to spend in the gym now that High School Musical isn’t taking up his whole day. No complaints here; good on the guy.
Elsewhere, you may have noticed that the happily married couple with the new bub is played by Seth Rogan and Rose Byrne. Seth Rogan. And Rose Byrne.
Seth Rogan, the pale, overweight, generally dishevelled-looking comedian. And Rose Byrne, the statuesque, gorgeous, stunningly beautiful goddess of a human being.
Of course. Naturally.
Now let’s be clear, we’re not being superficial. We all know very well that looks aren’t everything. Looks fade. Looks don’t keep you warm at night – and various other wise sayings our grandmothers told us. Equally, Rose Byrne probably has a fantastic personality, and is clearly a great actor. But bear with me here.
Seth Rogan is a funny guy. Not that I know him personally, but in every interview and film I’ve seen him in, he’s pretty darn hilarious. Hell, I’d probably marry him given the opportunity. Imagine how entertaining your life would be.
So of course, it’s understandable that even though he isn’t much in the looks department, a guy like Seth Rogan probably could in actual fact nab a mega-babe like Rose Byrne. Because he’s funny.
That’s the way it is. Homer and Marge Simpson. Charlotte York and Harry Goldenblatt. Peter and Lois Griffin. Tony and Carmella Soprano. Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Turtle and virtually every girl he dates for the entire eight seasons of Entourage. Sitcoms According To Jim, Still Standing, Grounded For Life and King of Queens all feature overweight, scruffy protagonists with insanely hot wives.
So it’s OK for men to be pale, overweight, unshaven, have their boxer shorts hanging out of their pants and indeed sometimes look suspiciously like they’ve slept in a dumpster – (a good description of myself in the morning, in fact – Ed.) – as long as they’re funny. Does that mean that women can still be deemed attractive and score a hot guy if their best attribute is their humour, too? If they don’t subscribe to those narrow western beauty ideals so beloved by magazines and movies, yet also possess a huge amount of talent and personal charm?
Oh hell no, you silly girls.
Go get your spray tans. Go eat your #cleaneating diet. Go get your hair extensions. Get your fake nails. Wax your legs. Wax your eyebrows. Wax your bikini line. Plaster on your make-up. Spend an hour every morning with your GHD making sure you have ‘Victoria’s Secret curls’. Make sure you stay a size 6. If you get to a size 8, go buy some Spanx to suck all that fat in and make you look thinner. Get breast implants. If you can’t afford them, buy extreme boost padded bras that make your boobs looks three sizes bigger than they are. Get your teeth whitened. Dry-brush your arse before you go to bed every night to get rid of that cellulite. And for Christ’s sake, make sure you have a thigh gap.
It doesn’t matter if you have an amazing personality, incredible intellect or hilarious quick wit. If you want to be deemed attractive by the opposite sex – if you want to get the job – then it’s what on the outside that counts. Because when was the last time you saw a female comedian cast alongside a Hollywood heartthrob bowled over by her personality? Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Melissa McCarthy… Have you ever seen any of these hilarious, sharp, wildly talented women cast as the object of Bradley Cooper’s affections?
Nope. Can’t say that I have, either.
Of course, this notion that a man can be deemed a ‘catch’ if he’s funny, but a woman cannot, is utterly ridiculous and a huge double standard.
And if the excuse “it’s because men are naturally funnier than women” is used (you’d be surprised how often that little gem pops up out of the usual quagmire of bullshit), I dare anyone who legitimately believes that to go watch 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, Veep, Bridesmaids or any episode of Saturday Night Live where the aforementioned female comedians have been the show’s writers. And then come back to me.
It is of course a wonderful sentiment that Seth Rogan and Rose Byrne could be happily married, and that what’s on the outside doesn’t really matter so long as you can put a smile on the face of the person you love. I don’t want to see that disappear for a second.
But Hollywood, you have to knock it off. For whatever rom-com you have coming out next, I want to see Ryan Gosling and Rebel Wilson living happily ever after. Then perhaps I’ll feel better about another cookie-cutter movie following the lines of Bad Neighbours. Deal? Deal.
-KP, who blogs here
In reality, I see attractive guys almost always paired with attractive women.
However, the short, bald, funny types do seem to also carry sway with the ladies.
It might be because women tend to go for personality while men go for sexuality. Which is a reasonable (if sexist) comment.
It might also be because of money. Look a that Sterling fellow, of recent racist infamy. His mistress was a knockout and he is a dried up old man that bathes in dollar bills like Scrooge McDuck.
It is how it is, partially through evolution and partially through culture. But railing against it is as useless as cursing your genes. There’s nothing to be done about it.
Personal opinion, of course.
Women go for personality while men go for sexuality? What absolute sexist bullshit. Women are just as likely as men to be shallow. In fact, women are probably more likely. Women don’t even give guys a second look much the time, act as they don’t exist, whereas men will pretty much partner with anybody even is for night
It’s money and funny, plain and simple.
While I agree with your overall opinion, I do have one question:
How is essentially saying that women are more inclined to be shallow than men any less sexist than saying women might go for “personality while men go for sexuality”?
Both of these statements seem to me like overstatements and generalizations.
‘It might be because women tend to go for personality while men go for sexuality.’
That’s probably because the media/our culture depicts women as objects whereas men are depicted as y’know, people.
I have seen one (ONE) film that sort of bucked this trend, and that was only because I did some research. My Big Fat Greek Wedding told the semi-true story of how Nia Vardalos and her husband Ian met. Nia Vardalos wrote the screenplay. Nia Vardalos starred in the film. Nia Vardalos actually has a husband named Ian. His name is Ian Gomez, and he played the sad sack best man in the film who is chased around by the heeeelarious overweight stereotype. Ian in the film is played by the very handsome John Corbett, because in this instance, the actual, real husband of Nia Vardalos was deemed not cute enough to play the husband of Nia Vardalos in the movie about their relationship.
Just thought that was interesting.
Hey, Tina Fey got married to James Marsden in 30 Rock! But I do admit that overall there is a lack of respect for comedic women.
Lena Dunham and Patrick Wilson in Girls? By far my favourite episode although the backlash was ridic.
Susan Calman is hilarious and has a lovely voice. Those alone would be enough to give me a crush.
I also feel it’s worth pointing out that almost all of the female comedians mentioned in this article would still be considered stereotypically attractive, so them ending up with a ‘hot’ guy wouldn’t necessarily buck the trend…
“Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Melissa McCarthy… Have you ever seen any of these hilarious, sharp, wildly talented women cast as the object of Bradley Cooper’s affections?”
AND these women are all incredibly beautiful, but by Hollywood standards are sorta made out to be “average”. So the chances of the female Seth Rogan getting Bradley Cooper are even slimmer….
Rebel Wilson marries Hayes MacArthur in Bachelorette (not the best movie, I don’t recommend it). Part of the storyline though is that her friends (though they don’t seem to like each other much) can’t believe that their ‘fat friend’ is getting happily married, while they feel quite discontented with their lives. Not that marriage equals happiness, but in the film Rebel (for lots of reasons, not just her happy relationship) is the happiest, most contented woman out of the four ‘friends’.
I agree.
Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
It’s just to give the unattractive guys a chance – they feel entitled to us because of these Seth Rogenish men and we are guilt tripped into believing every guy is owed a ‘hot’ girl
Bridget Jones does score Darcy though – the only exception I could think of
I am a little late to the party, but yes!! Everything in your article, yes!! I am an actress and after watching the golden globes a couple of weeks ago I was stunned by the fat and slovenly appearance of many of the male stars in the audience. That is simply not an option for women. All of the comedienne examples you gave, with the exception of Melissa McCarthy, are all hot women in their own right. They are thin, and have their hair done, and are put together because you have to do that. And it’s not that I mind all of those actors being out of shape and unkempt, it’s that I am not judged by the same standard and it pisses me off!